


Not Worthy of a Title

by jdjunkie



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, Humour, M/M, crackfic, metafic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-18
Updated: 2011-02-18
Packaged: 2017-10-15 18:18:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/163556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jdjunkie/pseuds/jdjunkie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is no summary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Worthy of a Title

**Author's Note:**

> 1,000 words of bad language, sexual references, slash, ship, poor characterisation and, er, anything else you care to mention. It was prompted by discussion of fanfic pet peeves and things guaranteed to make you hit the back button.

The grey-haired Colonel took off his cap and ran his masculine and slightly work-roughened hands through hair that used to be brindle but had changed colour thanks to his errant archeologist.

“Daniel, we gotta go,” the strikingly handsome officer yelled across the strangely alien landscape of P37-4XX, which was a planet with purple trees and three curious moons in an azure sky.

“Sorry, Jack. I was just doing something archeological and I didn’t hear you the first time you called. I’m really sorry,” said the blue-eyed Scientist sadly as he walked towards his Commanding Officer, hugging himself in an adorably vulnerable and not entirely manly way.

“Danny. It’s OK. I was going to send Carter to fetch you. I don’t like it when you’re more than 10 feet away from us,” he said, gently, chocolate-hued gaze resting on the younger man’s pain-filled features.

“Thanks, Jack. You know how anxious get when I can’t see you or Teal’c or Sam,” said Daniel, gratefully, accidentally dropping his pack and spilling its contents all over the burnished gold-tinged earth.

“Oh, Danny, what am I going to do with you?” said, the amused Colonel, bending down in creaking knees and ruffling Daniel’s silky-stranded, floppy hair in the process.

“Oh, very nice,” said a definitely female voice from behind the pair.

 _Oh, no,_ thought Daniel _, the insane enraged jealous bitch deep inside_ _Sam’s not going to like this …_

 **  
  
**

**  
_//FLASHBACK//_   
**

**  
  
**

“So it’s true. You do have highly inappropriate slashy feelings for your civilian adjunct,” said the very angry blonde, as she jutted out her chin and put her hands on her womanly hips, as she watched Jack and Daniel engaging in a deeply unerotic hurried fumble in the locker room.

“Oh, Sam,” said Daniel, eyes filling with salty pain. He hastily pulled up his dessert cammos, trying to hide the sight of his heavily engorged love muscle, which was, even at that moment, dripping with his juicy love seed.

“How could you?” Sam cried, in a screeching harridan sort of a voice, directing her obvious ire at the man of her dreams. Which wasn’t Daniel. “Do you not understand that the story of our unrequited love will runs for seasons, being whole-heartedly embraced by one section of fandom and laughingly derided and loathed by another? Do you not see the importance to the franchise?” She was waving her long, elegant arms about quite a lot.

“I dunno. I just like cock,” said a befuddled Colonel, who had been thwarted in his efforts to achieve screaming orgasm with his wondrous love bunny.

Jack was noisy during the sexual act. Once, Daniel had had to resort to stuffing nearby readily-at-hand butt plugs in his ears to deafen the sound.

“Carter. We can never be,” added the irritated superior officer. “For one thing, this fanfic writer is crap at writing het sex and secondly …” the older man grasped at straws in an effort to say something uncliched, “the real writers can’t write us for shit either.”

“But, but Sir,” the distraught younger woman replied, her deep blue eyes resembling limpid pools of limpidness.

“I know,” said Jack, trying desperately not to jerk his still rigid pulsing throb of manhood because this was actually turning him on quite a bit.

“But …” And then Sam started crying, loud wrenching sobs of deep, deep unhappiness. She stamped her foot really, really hard. “This is so unfair. You two will get all the two-shots and the tinkly music. What about me?” And she collapsed to her perfect knees, pretty little head bowed, her indomitable, sassy, woman-in-a-man’s-world spirit totally broken.

“Well,” said Daniel, softly, “You could find yourself a Denver cop and go off and have babies and ponies.”

Sam looked up. The salty tracks of her tears dried up instantly.

“My God, I could,” she said, her beautiful if somewhat snot-ridden face suddenly alight with delight.

She sprang up on long, long, attractive legs and sped off to find her true love.

Jack looked at Daniel, who was buttoning his fly. “What the hell was that?”

Daniel shrugged his surprisingly broad shoulders, which wasn’t easy while he was fiddling with his buttons.

“I blame PMS,” said Jack predictably, stroking his thrusting pole of fuck-power as he pushed it into his non-regulation tartan boxers.

“I blame the writers,” said Daniel, sadly.

 

 **//END FLASHBACK**

 **(** Back in real time on the alien planet)

 

“I thought you’d got past your anger and disillusionment at the news that I’m gay just for Daniel,” said Jack, waggling his eyebrows at her in a gesture wholly inappropriate to the moment. But what the fuck, he was a rebel. It said so in the pilot.

“I have, Sir, The problem is that other people might see you two – and it’s so very beautiful, what you have – and choose to indulge in gay-bashing behaviour against Daniel, thus turning him into a woobie” she said, concernedly.

“That’s OK, Sam. Jack will protect me in that super-manly way of his,” said Daniel, gazing with love-filled, tearful cerulean eyes at the much older man.

“Awww, Danny,” said Jack.

“Oh, screw this. I can’t take any more of this badly-written shit. I’m defecting back to Apohpis,” said Teal’c, who had been watching it all from just off-screen, waiting for his one line per episode.

The big Jaffa strode off into the distance, throwing down his majestic staff weapon in disgust.

“Ooooh, get him,” said Carter.

“Just because he never got the screen time or recognition he deserved,” said Daniel, letting loose his inner bitch.

“Fancy a threesome?” Jack asked, his dick throbbing menacingly inside his unattractive underwear.

“Oh yeah,” said Sam and Daniel in unison.

And they walked hand in hand towards the Gate.

Together forever.

Or until cancellation.

Whichever came first.


End file.
